The Madness of Unforgiveness: How Do You Know You’ve Forgiven Someone?

by David Chadwick

The madness of unforgiveness will truly drive you crazy. But true forgiveness brings healing.

But how do you know that you’ve forgiven someone? Sometimes it can be hard to know if you’ve truly forgiven someone. Does it mean you can be in the same room as them? Does it mean you would give them a hug? Does it mean you don’t desire the worst for them when they cross your mind?

Let’s take a look at the story of Joseph to unpack this a bit more (Genesis 37-50). It’s one of the most powerful stories of forgiveness in the entire Bible. Joseph’s brothers treated him terribly. At the age of 17, they threw him into a pit and then sold him to a passing Egyptian caravan. Joseph was then purchased as a slave by Potiphar where he ran his household excellently. Potiphar’s wife actually came on to Joseph and he courageously fled sexual immorality just like Paul urges all to do in 1 Corinthians 6:18.

Potiphar’s wicked wife was so angered by Joseph’s holy and righteous rejection of her that she concocted a false narrative to her husband about Joseph, implying that he was the one who came on to her!

Joseph was then thrown into prison, some think for as long as 10 years! Eventually, he was set free and went on to become the Prime Minister of Egypt, the second in command in the most powerful nation on the face of the earth at that time.

While in charge, during a time of great famine, Joseph’s brothers came to Egypt, asking for food. They appeared before Joseph, not recognizing it was their brother. The gist of the story is Joseph, after spending 22 years in Egypt, forgave his brothers. He embraced them and even wept over them.

But what happened next is an incredible part of the story. When Joseph appeared before Pharaoh to tell him about his brothers in Genesis 45, he did not once, NOT ONE TIME, ever speak disparagingly of them to Pharoah.

How do you know you have totally forgiven someone who has deeply hurt you? I think it might be as simple as the clues found in Joseph’s story…you never speak badly about them to another—especially someone who has the power to hurt them later on...The offense is completely forgiven. You’ve moved on in your life.

And who knows, you might even be able to extend a hug to them if they were to come to you in repentance!

The Madness of Unforgiveness: They Don’t Know How Deeply They Hurt You

by David Chadwick

Let me give you another insight that will help you better understand the madness of unforgiveness. Most people don’t know how deeply they hurt you.

I know this sounds crazy to say, but generally speaking, most offenses will feel far more intense to the person who experienced the offense.

RT Kendall, an incredible theologian who wrote the book Total Forgiveness, estimates in his book that 80% of the people who hurt you don’t have a clue how badly they have wronged you. They may know some of it, but don’t fully understand the depth of your pain.

Perhaps that’s why in Luke 23:34 Jesus said on the cross, “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing.” He gave a plea that was full of compassion - a blanket call to forgiveness for all those who nailed him to the cross! From the Pharisees, to Pilate, to the mobs, to the Romans, Jesus asked the Father to give them all the gift of forgiveness. Did they truly understand that they were crucifying the Son of God?

If you really sit back and think about this for a moment, this is wildly incomprehensible. The kindness and compassion to not just beg his Father to forgive his enemies, but to acknowledge that these people killing him didn’t actually know what they were doing. It’s amazing!

What about those who clearly knew what they were doing when they hurt you? Per RT Kendall’s earlier mentioned statistic, the 20% who were fully aware of the pain they were inflicting on you? I wish there was a way out of forgiveness for these people, but there is not. We are still called to forgive them. Release them to God. Surrender our pain to him.

Why? Well, mostly for our benefit. For our health. We were not made to carry around anger and bitterness. We are to forgive as we’ve been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). In that posture, we find freedom to live as Jesus desires all of us to live. Not as prisoners of bitterness, but free in every way.

If Jesus could forgive his murderers and state they did not know what they were doing, surely we can find forgiveness for those who knowingly wound us.

The Madness of Unforgiveness: Forgiveness Protects my Heart

by David Chadwick

Forgiveness puts justice back into the hands of God. It allows you to bless those who curse you.

Forgiveness also protects your heart!

Unforgiveness leads to madness. God never intended for you to absorb the depth of pain that offense and bitterness place on a human being. It’s a weight that’s all consuming and crushing.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”

I love the word vigilance. It’s somewhat of a militant word that shows a tremendous level of responsibility on our part. Often, my daughter will look at her kids and say, “Guard your gates.” When she says this, she’s imploring them to guard their eyes, their ears, their mouth… and their hearts.

Everything in life flows from the heart! As you’ve heard me often say, “The heart of the matter is a matter of the heart.” God did not design for our hearts to hold onto hate. Our hearts are supposed to be a source of life, not a container in which bitterness and resentment dwell.

You can think of forgiveness as a spiritual drain cleaner. It flushes out hatred, anger, resentment, and bitterness.

But once the bad stuff is out, something else must enter. That something is love. The eternal love of Jesus must fill us where bitterness once resided. His love will coat and protect your heart from further “clogs,” so to speak.

Consider the cross. Ponder the depth of God’s love for you.

It’s this love that allows us to love our enemies, the ones who have hurt us (Matthew 5:44).

My dear friends, Jesus loves you so much. Let his forgiveness of your sins flood your heart with love and gratitude. Then, you will be able to love your enemies with supernatural love. This can’t happen in your own strength. But Jesus’s love in you, flowing through you, to your enemy…that can happen…and is life-changing!

Jesus’s love dwelling in us allows us to follow his command.

Choose forgiveness. It will make your heart whole.

So it will be well with your soul.