The Madness of Unforgiveness: Forgiveness is not Reconciliation

by David Chadwick

Continuing to unpack the madness of unforgiveness, let’s talk about what forgiveness is and what it is not.

Forgiveness is releasing someone else of the debt they owe you. Forgiveness is softening your heart to the ones who have hurt you. Forgiveness is remaining open, yielded and willing to respond to another however the Holy Spirit may lead you to respond. Remember the story of Joseph that we looked at a couple days ago? How he forgave his brothers after 22 years of separation and being wronged? Forgiveness can look wild and radical. Ultimately, forgiveness is freedom and victory.

But, forgiveness does NOT always mean reconciliation!

These are two separate actions. Forgiveness depends on one person: you.

But reconciliation depends on two people: you and the one who hurt you.

Biblically, you are commanded to forgive. It’s not optional and Jesus makes that very clear. Reconciliation, on the other hand, may or might not happen.

Yes, if you can possibly reconcile with another, that’s God’s best. After all, God gave us a ministry of reconciliation in Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:18-19).

Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

But reconciliation is not always possible. Why? Well, for one the person who hurt you may have died. Or the trust within the relationship may have become completely eroded and impossible to regain. Or you simply may not want that person as your friend again for many different reasons. Whatever the reason, so long as it’s not rooted in hatred and bitterness, I think it’s okay not to reconcile the relationship.

Certainly, you must forgive. But you may not be able to reconcile the relationship. And I’m sure that Jesus has compassion when it’s simply impossible to do or you just don’t want to do it this side of eternity.

Just remember, you are always called to forgive as Jesus has forgiven you. That is his will for you.