The Madness of Unforgiveness: Go to the Person

by David Chadwick

As Christians, can we judge people? We learned yesterday that the answer is, “Yes.” However, there is a biblical way to do this. It must be done in humility and with the awareness that you, too, have sin that must be confessed.

So, how do you go to someone who has hurt you? Let’s take a look at Matthew 18:15.

A real life example may look something like this. You have been offended. Someone hurt you in a very intentional way. Start off by asking yourself if you should step over this offense. One good question is this, “If I were to share this situation with a trusted, seasoned mentor, leader or pastor, would they confirm that this situation is too big to step over?” Sometimes, we make mountains out of molehills. Our minds can inflame problems that aren’t actually that big. However, if after processing you recognize that the situation was so big, so hurtful, and so painful that it warrants a conversation, what should you do next?

First, remember you don’t want to judge someone with vitriol and anger. You may need to take some intentional time to remove the plank out of your own eye (Luke 6:31, Matthew 7:3-5). Settle your own heart and pray for humility, recognizing your own imperfections. Side note, this is a regular discipline that everyone should do. It is almost like an internal house cleansing that keeps all of us in touch with God’s grace. As you remember how you, too, have hurt people before, ask Jesus for grace anew.

Ok, now what? Jesus tells us to then go to the person who has hurt you. Not by text. Not by email. Not through a phone call. Not by a letter. Go to the person. Face to face. And have a loving sit down where you can share your heart. Ask to hear the other person’s heart as well. And have mutual understanding, forgiveness, and even reconciliation.

If the person blows you off or will not listen? Take another person. A trusted, mutual friend of you both would be best. Someone who can hear both sides and offer a path toward renewed friendship.

And if the person still blows you off and won’t meet with you and the mutual friend? Go to the elders of your church. See if greater measures of protection and discipline are necessary.

Ultimately though, regardless of how things work out, you need to let this person go. Forgive them even if you don’t feel like it. Release them to the Lord. Let God deal with them over time.

If there is wickedness in his or her life, the Lord will deal with him or her. But you will be free! Free to love, free to move on knowing you have done all that you can do. Go live your life without regret and bitterness – the way our Lord desires all of us to live.